Yes, it happen eros ago. The catch phase is, it did happen.

I had a ritual, every year I will go on you tube and Wiki and go through all of video and information avalible, try to understand. It happen when I was ten. I was in elementary school, don’t know much about anything..curious about boys, starting to get into books (got my 1st set of novels from my uncle), ten is a such a magic age. You are in grade 5, you wake up, go to school, do your homework, play with your brother and sister or friends. Cartoon and kids show is what you watch or prefer to shown to you on TV,  news and magazine program are suppose to be for grown up only. All the worries and troubles in the world are not suppose to touch you. When you are ten, you are innocent and invincible.

I remember on the night of June 4th, my dad woke me and my sister up. Told us that the tanks and troops had went in to the square, I was not sure if I was suppose to be scare, or sad. I vividly remember seeing my father and mother cried for the first time when they were watching the account of the HK journalist, I remember wearing the piece of black cloth on my arm, something that I had put on a year back when one of my old auntie had passed away. I don’t get most of what was going on at the time. None the less, it changed my life. My parent decided to move to a different country, like most of the middle class family at Hong Kong at the time. I got sent to UK right after, they looked into several different countries and settle on Canada. The rest of my life had took a different course. I met No.1 Fan in Canada, and together throught the blessing of the Lord we join our life together. We had two beautiful childern. The rest is history.

I did not fully gasp the importance when I was Ten, I still have not. I am now 30 years old, I am a mother and this much I am sure; I sadden with the mother who lost their children, who are still living under the watchful eyes, who’s right to grieve have been strip from them. What a world we live in when a mother lost her child but are not allow to grieve, some had not seen their child for 20 years because they had been exiled; while others are still not sure about their child fate after all these years.

When I was reading the paper on line and going through the you tube video today, no.1 fan asked me what is the point of all of these if all it does is bring sorrow and tears. I didn’t reply him, just told him that it was alright, I do this every year. Cry is a good emotion outlet, it’s good for the soul. June 4, there are still lots that I don’t understand, but it doesn’t mean I will forget the raw emotions. I can still feel the raw energy surrounding me while I was sitting in the little corner of Victory Park the day after. It was organic, silent teardrops and apathy appear on people faces. It was such a powerful thing to a ten years old girl, whose childish day are over on that day.

We won’t close our eyes and for sure, I won’t let them fade away.

I LOVE the baby sitter cushion thing…in fact, I blame partly on my unsuccessful breast feeding trial run with Aidan on the fact that Burnaby hospital told me, “stuffing pillows around yourself to make a fort so you don’t get shoulder pain”…I mean, if you want me to sit up right on a chair that is higher, with arm rest…and want me to stuffed enough pillows between me and the baby in order for me to not tilted over….you had got to teach me how on earth was I suppose to arrange and tug those pillows by my wonderful self…with the infant on my lap…crying.

My friend Anna got me this sitter pillow when Aidan was born, which I regard didn’t put into good use last time (except for propping up Aidan during photo shoot) since I had to cancel my breast feeding tour while battling postnatal depression (as per doctor’s order). Don was lovely, he latch on with in an hour since he was born (Big thanks for Carolyn in the birthing unit). Although I did over done it and strain my shoulder on the 2nd day, I can say that I am pretty successful. I still do supplement, because Don has not gain back his birth weight.

It had dawn on me that I will have to get Randi’s wedding photos out asap..because I have another job coming next week…hence the multi-tasking. I took this photos because I think in the midst of breast feeding, photo editing and also eating and feeding Aidan…I found peace.

I FORGOT how much this hurt…ok, I remember it being difficult the last time around…I dragged on the fact that I had to stay in Burnaby hospital for 5 nights when I had the emergency c-section. This time around the nurse (most anyway) were awesome, and they had assign a nursing student to each c-section mom for practices which is pretty awesome because they focus solely on you.

We stay for a totally 48 hours before we were released, but I honestly had forgotten how much it hurts afterward. I remember the labor with Aidan was intense (me continues to pass out in between contractions, and apparently had ripped off the mattress at least twice while No.1 fan was talking on the phone…not holding my hands). This time I only used laughing gas…and the breath out twice, breath in once method.

After the hospital stay…I think I pull something inside. The incision site looks fine, but above the incision area, hurt like you put salt on your wound. That and the lack of sleep…

So, this is how much pills I need to take every 4 hours…4 pain killers, one anti-biotic. I always mixed up when I did took what, so now I have to write it down on Don’s peepee poo poo sheet as well….

I FORGOT how much this hurt…ok, I remember it being difficult the last time around…I dragged on the fact that I had to stay in Burnaby hospital for 5 nights when I had the emergency c-section. This time around the nurse (most anyway) were awesome, and they had assign a nursing student to each c-section mom for practices which is pretty awesome because they focus solely on you.

We stay for a totally 48 hours before we were released, but I honestly had forgotten how much it hurts afterward. I remember the labor with Aidan was intense (me continues to pass out in between contractions, and apparently had ripped off the mattress at least twice while No.1 fan was talking on the phone…not holding my hands). This time I only used laughing gas…and the breath out twice, breath in once method.

After the hospital stay…I think I pull something inside. The incision site looks fine, but above the incision area, hurt like you put salt on your wound. That and the lack of sleep…

So, this is how much pills I need to take every 4 hours…4 pain killers, one anti-biotic. I always mixed up when I did took what, so now I have to write it down on Don’s peepee poo poo sheet as well….

He came out early!! Guess he can’t wait for the planned c-section date. Actually he is about 2 weeks earlier than his due date…

We are still pretty tired but excited. Aidan kept telling me that ..er…baby is crying..may be we should go check?

hmm…I laugh out loud when I read the line, “pump then feed in a bottle…right if I had the time to do that in the 1st place” I second that with, if I am already doing the pumping, feeding in the bottle and spending time boiling said bottle afterward, why don’t I just use formula.

That exactly why my family doctor asked me to stop breastfeeding. She said if the hospital already urge you to use formula as supplement, for the sake of your mental health, which she thought was rapidly deteriorating, you should just stop. Take care yourself before you can take care of your baby. Which make totally sense, but to a new mom, it just sound much like failure to produce.

I am going to try again this time, not only because of the benefit of breast milk; but I think financially speaking, it make more sense. IF Donny can latch properly, and I can produce, then it cost nothing. I will not be held up in the house, I will go out and proudly ripe out one of the girls in public if they are needed (ok, I will probably try to cover up with a blankie 1st..). If I can’t produce, I will rent out a pump and prepare to sit in font of said loud machine every 2 hours and endure the torture. I am even fully prepare to folk out the $2 per day rental fee for up to 3 months.  (which had inflated at 200% from the last time I rent it…like 3 years ago)

I however, think that price for going formula only or as supplement is just way higher than with Aidan. New BPA Free BORNFREE bottle: $13 to $15 per bottles, you will need at least 4 to survive a day if you only like to boil and sterile once a day (last time with Aidan, the two things that we kept buying was bottles and bib, because I got tire of washing the drying these things 3 times a day. We cut down to just doing laundry once a day and sterile bottle once a day at week 3.) If you don’t want to boil a big pot of water and sit and wait till your bottle has been boil, then you will need to folk up another $40 for the microwave sterilizer.

Then came the price of formula. Yes, we could use the $30 per can powder, but last time more powder had been empty into the drain then it actually make it into the bottle. You see, there is something call a new mommy brain. Same as pregnancy brain, it makes you stupid and slow. Perphap it was because you had just spend hours and hours in labor, or perphap it was the sleep deprived torture; the truth is by the 4 days the baby and the mommy had went home, you mind is so twisted that when you need to install the bottle warmer  (like, remove plastics bag and put A into B, put water into B then plug in the machine and press the big giant button..” WILL take you an hour to actually figure out the thing that you are holding is part of B and B is the machine; A in fact is the bottle of milk which doens’t came with the box. ) I always miss calculate how many “scoop” I had just put into the 240 ml of warm water, thus you will need to empty out the whole thing..because if you went under,then the baby don’t get the proper nutrient, if you are over, then you could kill your baby…

If I went with liquid concentrate like last time..that’s like $50 for a box of 12. That will last you for 12 days, because one can of concentrate will last exactly 24 hours. So roughly speaking, the monthly universal child support Mr.Harper had so ever generously provide, will all be eat up on formula. That is if you are lucky enough to be able to snatch the last case in superstore, you will have to go to the store daily to check becasue someone mom  had started the whole buy up all of the formula in the local supermarket and send it back to HK as gift trend.

I totally are going to predict with in 3 days of staying in Burnaby hospital(which the pit nurse truly believed with the concept in let the mommy and daddy feed/change/bath the new born by themselves) , with 2 of the lactation consultants resigned,  I will be shoving down a ready to serve formula down Donny’s hungry mouth, and ask to be release from the hospital. JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME.

As my c-section date is getting closer, (in exact -10 days) or the fact that I kept reminding myself that my water DID NOT break every 3 hours or so….I am pretty scare.

I did exactly has the best experience last time when I gave birth, in fact I would say it was a really eventful ordeal at my local hospital.

I wanted a natural birth last time, but wasn’t inform of the whole situation of the complication(s). I had a rupture, I asked for med…I really really thought that the OB that I just spent 5 months seeing and building a relationship from would at least come to the hospital and deliver the baby. That was the whole point, wasn’t it? Not that the on-call doctor was less qualify, she was excellent to the point that she summed up the reasons behind the month long bleeding problem everyone at my OB office was too busy to bother to investigate, she ask if I was knew why I was bleeding so much, went outside to read the attached ultrasound report we did a month ago. Came back in before the nurse had even started with the IV and told me that there were minor concern about the placenta. Told me exactly how much chances I had to deliver naturally. Ask me to think about epidermal, came in and check on me every 15 min.

The birth itself, was not as wondrous as people would like to tell you. I remember bits and pieces of it, I think I am mentally blocking it out. I do know for sure that I will NEVER wish to experience it ever again. I booked a c-section, because my new OB support it. Yes I had changed OB as well. I made sure I also meet with her partner, who is also really wonderful and had a positive and caring bed side manner. Unlike the guy who suppose to have been doing this a long time, unhappy for the fact that he got called to the hospital on a Sunday afternoon to check on his partner’s patient and scold at me for not tolerate his way of doing an exam.

When we went to the maternity suite, it was cool for the first few days. Nurses were wonderful and helpful, the lactation specialist drop in occasionally and try to help me. Then after 3 days, when I ask to call someone to help me get up from the bed so I could change Aidan by myself, the pit manager came charging in and yell at me for calling for help….because there are other patients and other nurses not including her was busy. I was crying, unstable, shock and scared. I had every ounce of energy drain out of me. I want to breastfeed because I truly believed that it was the best way for Aidan. I just couldn’t do it. I had an operation, that I didn’t expect would perform. It hurt like hell.

I am going thru nesting…I think.

By definition it is an urge to clean and prepare your “nest” for your new born. I went thought it last time with Aidan…well I was also in the progress of moving from an apartment to a house…so I just chalk it off as normal behaviour.

I had try to organize all of the baby cloths that Aidan has, and about a week ago when I went through the box that was labeled “new born stuff”…I was scratching my head and wondering how come all there is was 3months to 6months…

So thinking that I miss-packed some stuff, last night while watching AI I open all of the storage boxes and started dig thru them.

9:30 Made Alan moved big dresser from Aidan’s room to our room (coz it’s the only one that can securely fit the deluxe contour changing pad without baby falling off..while changing baby not moving and slide off the table…happen once with Aidan. He landed him bump on top of Alan’s feet.)

9:45 Went thru all of Aidan existing clothing….found out the reason why the big dresser was overstuffed was because we never clear it out…

10:00 Aidan went to bed wondering how come the dresser got turn sideway…and it’s smaller.

10:15  I typed/lined up the big dresser drawers with clean receving blackets…a practice that I started with Aidan…which I think in my wrap mind is that if I can’t clean and stealier the drawer, I will cover it.

10:30 Started going over all of the boxes. The systerm is like this : one basket of newborn and 3-6 months that needs to be wash, one pile of 6-12 months, one pile of 12 months and then another piles for after 18months onward. Thinking that may be I should just screw with the season and just deal with size…coz it’s easier.

10:45 Laugh out lound at AI when Simon was saying how lame it was for Kara to pick a song for Kris to sing…then not only did she failed in follow through with mentoring him but start nugging him for not changing the arrangment and bugging about the song choice…Kara responsed by covering Simon’s mouth…I am just saying.

10:50 Aidan has so much cloths….must be because he is so cute. I was holding out a tux and started tearing up because he was so cute at my brother-in-law wedding. Alan and I rememise about the fact that he cried and cried when we were waiting to do the group photos, and then once we got up on the stage thingy and he saw the cameras, he just stop crying and look directly into the camera and poses. He was 6 months old, btw.

11:00 The following has been going back and fore between me and Alan, beside the arguments of who will be successful on AI,

“Dude, I don’t remember Aidan ever wear this once…”

“I don’t remember washes these cloths…” and the “Aww….look at the little tux/oneies/top…that is so cute…”

11:15 Adam turns me off…so much. I yelled out NOOOO as the host was announcing he is going to say “crying” by Aerosmith. I really think Aerosmith should  really recant and ban their song be sang on Idol, ever.

11:20 We started Fringe final…and I can now say I totally had forgotten which piles is which…because the basket of newborn to 3months old stuff..had started to overspilled onto the floor.

11:30 The system had totally collapsed and all I could think of was snack.

12:00 Alan actually called mid way that Peter was from another dimension/reality (whatever). I fell into the whole mixing up between the concept of Lost/Battlestar G with the “whatever happening now had happen before..” and ask if may be Peter had a flash forward. Still wanting snack but convinced myself that if I open a bag of chips then the baby cloths will be tainted….

12:15 Alan had decided to go to bed…I was still sitting in the sofa surrounded by clothing and kept saying I should may be eat something…..

12:45…decided that snack is more important…and combined the 12months and 18months and beyond into one big box and decided to call it a night.

The next day…

I actually caught Aidan putting some of the over spilled new born stuff  into his own drawers…

This is my 1st mother’s day present….No.1 Fan stood in line for half an hour afterwork today in font of the Japadogs stand.

My dear boy has a really weired preference for Grill Cheese. Toast the bread, butter then microwave a slide on one of the pieces…then top it off with the other piece of bread. I try frying it, grilling it in panillni press, no, he still prefer the microwave method.